Paul always thought of himself to be very lucky having gotten his dream job.
Not only did he work for such a great and well-known company, but part of that company’s perks was also a really good car scheme in which he was able to drive a different kind of car every six months.
However, he didn’t feel so comfortable driving flashy cars in what most would consider a very modest neighbourhood. He would be constantly worried about other cars parking too close or his neighbours giving him that look of envy.
Then one day it actually happened. Someone tried to squeeze through on a narrow road and had managed to scrape off some paint on the side of his car’s bumper when he had just stopped by a friend’s house.
He didn’t know who did it and the fact that they didn’t even stop to leave a note really ticked him off even more.
This would be an expensive repair and not only that as per his company’s policy this will only be repaired upon the return of his car which wouldn’t be for another four months. This meant he would have to drive around with the damage for a while.
For the next couple of weeks, he couldn’t get his mind off it whenever he was driving and each time he saw the damage when getting in or out of the car, it just further fuelled his anger.
A couple of weeks later his friend came out to investigate after hearing so much about the damage that Paul was constantly talking about.
”Yeah, it’s bad but why are you not focusing on the rest of it?” he said
”What do you mean? The damage is only on the bumper, there is no rest of it”, remarked Paul
”As in, you’re focusing so much on the scratch that you forgot about the fact that you’re driving a brand new 40,000sh car which most people would never be able to afford to drive”.
”Well.. but…”,
”Hmm? True right? If you’re going to be miserable while driving a nice car then what is really the point?”, said his friend half laughing.
Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it – Charles R. Swindoll
When I was young, I was told constantly by a friend that life was always 10% what happened to us and 90% of how we reacted to it.
It was hard to believe back then that my reaction to the things I have no control over would result in the entire outcome but I soon came to realize that this was indeed the case the older I got.
There will always be some things that are outside of our control. Whether it is that idiot of a driver that brings out your worse side or loss in money, property, or even a loved one.
In our lives there is one constant and that constant would be the 10% that we cannot control.
However, how we react to the situation, how much power we give to it to allow it to take over us, and how we behave thereafter will always determine the outcome of that entire situation.
Let’s take an example here just to illustrate a point. For some, this might seem quite far-fetched (and it is) but this is just to make you see the extent how our reactions could affect our daily life.
Thomas is a father and he is rushing down to have breakfast with his wife and his young daughter. What Thomas will discover shortly is that destiny, fate, or whatever you want to call it, has chosen to spill orange juice on his nice white shirt just as he sits down with his family on a dreary Monday morning.
In this scenario we would say that:
10% (Caused by Fate, Destiny or Whatever you believe in) – Orange Juice to be spilt on his shirt
90% – How you react to the orange juice being spilt
Scenario 1 – React Bad
Thomas rushes down the stairs and joins his family and just as he sits down on the table his young daughter accidentally pushes the glass of orange juice onto him.
Immediately his face starts to heat up until he can’t contain himself so much so that he shouts at his daughter telling her she should not wave her hands around like that.
Hearing the sudden noise, his wife comes out of the kitchen and sees their crying daughter, and asks Thomas why he reacted so fiercely.
Thomas screams back at her whilst running up the stairs about being late for work and goes searching for a new shirt.
After finally managing to find a washed shirt, ironing it, and rushing out of the house, his wife notices that he didn’t kiss her or her daughter on the cheek on his way out for the first time in a very long time.
Trying to comfort Rosie (their daughter) she feels angry for the way he abruptly left and didn’t bother to have the breakfast that took her 20 minutes to make out of her own time.
Thomas hits rush hour traffic, as he normally does daily, but this time he is more agitated than normal about his lack of control.
A driver cuts him off and instead of ignoring it as he would normally; he stops his car to speak his mind. This further ruins Thomas’s morning as now he is in a bad mood over several things and not just the orange juice incident.
Once he gets to work, his boss asks him why he is late and while trying to contain himself he doesn’t say anything and proceeds to go and sit at his desk.
Not understanding why Thomas reacted in this way, his boss makes a mental note of not asking him to give that presentation to the head of the department since he seems to be in a bad mood and decides to ask someone else instead.
Thomas has a pretty lousy day at work and it seems that every little thing is starting to annoy and agitate him.
After a long day at work with plenty of more quibbles with the people in his team, he returns home and finds that his wife hasn’t arranged dinner as she said she would the night before, since ”he’s not going to eat it anyway”, so decides to order take-out instead.
Thomas tries to talk to his young daughter that evening but she seems distant and afraid to be anywhere near him.
Scenario 2 – React Better
Thomas rushes down the stairs and joins his family and just as he sits down on the table his young daughter accidentally pushes the glass of orange juice onto him.
Immediately his face starts to heat up until he can’t contain himself until he takes a deep breath and forces himself to smile while young Rosie is staring at him waiting for a reaction.
He very says to Rose that it’s fine and that accidents happen while kissing her on the cheek.
As he rushes upstairs to change his shirt his wife overhears the conversation and decides to pack the breakfast she had made knowing he will not have time to join them and eat breakfast together.
As he leaves he quickly kisses his wife and daughter and it says thank you for the little box she has now packed his breakfast in to take away.
Thomas hits rush hour traffic, as he normally does, but he is now used to it and doesn’t think twice about it.
He gets to work and his boss questions him as to why he was late, and he says apologetically that his little daughter accidentally knocked the glass of juice on his shirt so he had to change, which took a lot of time.
His boss laughs as he remembers when his children were young and such accidents used to happen every day at his house and the pair spend a few minutes talking about the worse thing their children had done while Thomas walks to his desk.
Thomas’s boss informs him that he wants him to do a certain presentation to the head of the department and Thomas agrees as he has been looking for an opportunity to show his enthusiasm for the new project the department has just been awarded.
As Thomas comes home his wife has arranged dinner following their discussion the night before and the family has a really nice evening.
The end… What a beautiful fairy tale right?
We Control How We React
Now I’m fully aware that this particular parable is stretching it to the utmost limits, not to mention the traditional gender roles that it displays but the message is still a great one to learn.
If you could look at some of your bad days, could you think of the single moment where the agitation or frustration first started?
Now, what if that moment didn’t happen at all? How different is that day? Let’s say you controlled your reaction to that moment and took it in your stride, how does the rest of your day go?
There will always be days where major things happen to us (lose a job, lose a family member, other life-changing events) and there will be future articles on those but what about your general day-to-day annoyances?
How do we ensure that such small things don’t get to us and thereafter ruin our days?
#1 Bring out the Notebook
I’ve mentioned this time and time again and I like mentioning it because it does wonders to the brain – Start your day with gratitude as it helps shift the focus of your life from what you lack to what you currently have.
Our brains are so trained and genetically inclined towards focusing on what is wrong and missing around us we forget the blessings we have in our daily lives.
Gratitude by far is the best practice we can do for our mental well-being and has shown to help in eliminating depression and anxiety in countless studies.
#2 Count Your Smarties
Another one I have mentioned several times before, but this is super effective in focusing the mind on the good. Keep a list of all of the good things that happen constantly throughout your day and try to rack up the number.
This could be something as small as you get to work on time or your favourite croissant is not sold out when you got to the café (this is actually a big one for me).
When you try and focus yourself on writing down all of your positive experiences (whether on paper or your phone), you are telling your subconscious mind that good things do indeed happen.
One interesting fact you will notice is that the mind doesn’t always appreciate one big thing happening at once but appreciates small victories more often.
The funny thing is, you don’t need to have big huge amazing things happen to you all of the time because small things stacked up over time give you more fulfilment and train your subconscious mind to really appreciate the blessings in your life.
#3 Talk to Your Inner Demons
Every single person on this planet has a unique gift and that gift is to be able to talk to their subconscious mind and reprogram it to behave how you would like it to.
Using self-talk can be increasingly beneficial for your health and has been proven to reduce stress, anxiety and provide greater life satisfaction. This is extremely powerful and beneficial as long as it is positive self-talk as the opposite is also true.
Whenever you feel powerless or feel that something has happened which you were not happy about just say to yourself ”I can handle this” and/or ”this is no big deal” which will not only start the processing of feeling better but you will also start to feel more back in control of your life.
I have used self-talk many times especially when I have been nervous about anything in particular.
There have been days I have felt that I have woken up in a nervous panic and I would spend a few moments lying in bed just saying to myself, whatever happens, today I will be able to handle it.
Other times I like to remind myself that up until now I have won every battle I have faced whether that is in my professional life or my personal.
Remember, how you talk to yourself is how your brain will talk back to you.
Bonus: Dont Forget to ask the Right Questions
What could I do to make this situation better?
Is this the right reaction for something like this?
How could I handle this? Who could I ask for help on this?
These are all great powerful questions that will take you away from a reactive mode to a more proactive mode of thinking.
Questions really enforce the idea within us that we have more control than we think and if we were to take the 10%/90% rule mentioned above then we have nearly almost all control most of the time.
Thinking is nothing but asking and answering questions, so if you are to ask a quality question, you will be able to get a quality answer. The more quality questions and answers you ask and answer, the better the quality of life becomes.